The Beginning of Something Wonderful

Today classes start. I’m moved in, unpacked, definitely not organized, and incredibly sore. 

My prayer for this semester:

Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed by thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into our temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.     ~ Matthew 6:9-13

I am believing for a good semester. I’m excited about the classes I have and the friends I have. While I have certain idea and plan of how I want things to go, I know God is in control. His ways are higher than my ways. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. I want His will to be done in my life. All things are possible with God. That is what I am living on for this school year.

I’ve talked to one of my professors already, and she’s practically guaranteed me a job in the Writing Center. (I tutor in English.) I’m going to see if I can have two work studies. A student is only allowed to have ten hours of work study, so I’m looking to see if if I can split those ten hours up between two jobs. I have to go to career services and ask if I can do that.

Everything is going so well, I’m excited for what’s going to happen this semester. 

Fighting! 加油!Goodluck! 再见!Goodbye!

End of Summer pt. 3

The last word I would choose for describing my summer is family. 

As far as I am aware, this was my last summer at home. This is not saying I’ll never be home over the summer months. It means that it will be a while before I am home for as long as three months. Next summer I am attending a wedding at the end of May, shortly after I will be going to China for five to six week. I might come home for a week or two, but then I will be heading back to college. Next year will be one event after another. 

I am very thankful for all the time I was able to spend with my family. In the beginning of the summer Little Sister and I watched a lot of TV together. We tried to finish Goblin (One of the best Korean Dramas) over the weekend I returned, but we didn’t have enough time. Little Sister and I went to the gym quite a bit the first month too. I was practically always in the car with Mom. I went to the gym with Uncle for three (four?) weeks every morning at five. It wasn’t long until mom started going to the gym with me. Dad took me to the movies, and he and I often stayed up late (sometimes until three in the morning) watching TV in the Man Cave. I didn’t hang out with my big brother much, but he did give me some hats. Aunt and I had small conversations here and there that I really enjoyed, and I was able to get her a bunch of new clothes for her birthday. I even went out to breakfast with Soon-to-be Sister-in-law. 

That’s a lot. And while I spent time with everyone, I spent the most time with Momma. She and I were always grocery shopping, always in the car, and always at the firework stand. It was something I really needed. I don’t know what is going to happen this semester. I don’t know what God has planned. I know it’s going to be good, and I know I’m going to be relying on all the time I spent with Momma. All of our conversations and all the times we went shopping together will be support beams that I can fall back on to fill me with energy and courage. 

Honor thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with a promise;) that it may be will with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.    ~ Ephesians 6:2-3

I don’t know about long life (I am still quite young), but I believe I reaped a harvest of favor and love this summer. Whether it was from honoring my parents or simply stepping into a blessing that God wanted me to have, this summer was full of family and what comes with it. While there were a lot of things that happened this summer that weren’t the best, I know I will never doubt the love my family has for me or the love that my God has for me.

End of Summer pt. 2

I’m not gonna lie. I began the summer stressed out expecting terrible things to happen. I had a very limited perspective and low expectations for a happy summer. Because of this, all I saw were negative things and was constantly snippy. I acted immature and irrational about a lot of things. Sometimes these emotions were outwardly expressed and sometimes I just wrote about them in my journal. My summer could have been twenty times better if I didn’t limit myself by my expectations. 

Limited expectations creates a limited experience. I am so thankful my God goes above and beyond all things I could think of, ask for, or imagine. He is a big God and has big things planned for my life. 

This summer had a strong focus on trust and joy. In my family, Little Sister is known as the optimistic one. I’m a bit more of a pessimist. That perspective of mine was challenged. Tulsa Best Friend encouraged me countless times and Michigan Best Friend tried her hardest to help me view things differently. I am incredibly grateful that I have them by my side both literally and figuratively. 

The joy aspect of my summer really isn’t as abscure as I’m making it sound. I spent three weeks selling fireworks. I was either working with Michigan Best Friend or Mother. While selling fireworks isn’t my preferred job, I did make a lot of money. With that money I bought myself an unnecessary amount of clothes. (My closet is overflowing, and I’ve run out of hangers.) I attended my Soon-to-be Sister’s-in-law bridal shower. I went out to breakfast with Soon-to-be Sister-in-law. I have talked to all of my friends from college this past week. I found out today that the way Roommate and I want to set up our room is going to work out perfectly (even if we do pinch our fingers every time we open the fridge door). Tomorrow, just about all said friends and I will be going to IHOP for dinner. The best part of this summer was the fact that I published a chapbook. Not to mention all of the things God has taught me and is still teaching me. There really is so much to be joyful about.

Being negative–depressed, angry, just down right pessimistic about everything–was so big the first half of this summer. When it hit me that I was participating in gossip, being mad at people, and just thinking things about myself and others that I shouldn’t have, I knew it had to stop. I had to teach myself to think about what I was thinking about and to think about what I was talking about. It was really hard, because I didn’t want to be disrespectful toward people, but I didn’t want to participate in some of the things they were talking about. The conversations seemed harmless, but it was a lot of talking about other people that didn’t lift me up or the person who (whom? I’m hopeless with that word.) was being talked about.

“Above all else, guard you heart, for out of it flow the issues of life.”    ~ Proverbs 4:23

The moment I read this, my perspective shifted and I knew it was more than just taking action and guarding my mind, I had to guard my heart. 

As I began to learn once again how to guard my heart, along with it came learning to honor God. It went from thinking about what I was thinking to, “Do the things I thinking honor the Lord? Do the things I am saying honor the Lord? Do the things I am doing honor the Lord?” 

It was a process, and surprisingly not a very painful one. It just took a lot of patience and close attention on my part.

Going into this semester I want to continue to carry this with me. I want to be happy all the time. I want to be overflowing with joy that it almost annoys people that I’m as happy as I am. (Because some people really do think it’s not possible to be SuPeR dUpEr HaPpY. Well, I’ve got news for them.) I want to continue to be placed in situations where I’m forced to trust God, and I want to be happy doing it. I want to be at a point this semester when I can’t worry. Not that I don’t have time to worry, I just legitamitaly do not know how because I am overflowing with the Joy of the Lord, and I trust that His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts.

Habits Vs. Addictions

Habits are not Addictions. Like wise, Addictions are not habits. They can not be broken or overcome in the same way. I want this to be made very clear.

“Oh, I’m so addicted to coffee!” No, you are not addicted to coffee. You just have a habit of drinking it every morning. Besides, you wouldn’t be addicted to the coffee as much as you would be addicted to the caffeine. If you go a few days without drinking coffee and start experiencing withdrawals, it’s because of the lack of caffeine that your body got used to having.

To break a habit, just don’t do whatever the habit is for roughly 21 days. Habits are mindlessly done. A habit is making a cup of coffee at six in the morning while you’re still half asleep. It’s an action you’ve done and completed so often that you don’t even have to pay too much attention to what you’re doing.  Unless you accidentally pour orange juice instead of creamer into your coffee, then you better wait a few more minutes before you make your drink.

Breaking an addiction takes focus, will power, determination, and a whole lot of forgiveness and grace from God. Although, it should also be made clear that not every addiction is a sin. You could be addicted to caffeine. It doesn’t mean you have fallen from grace and lost any chance you had at forgiveness (Honestly, you could never fall from grace. You can always be forgiven.). It just means that too much of a good thing became a bad thing.

My addiction example will be pornography, because that’s what I know.

You can break the habit of looking at pornography everyday. Yay! Good job! That’s a win. However, two weeks later of breaking the habit, the desire to look hits you in the chest like a two ton mac truck, and in your head you’re telling yourself it’s a choice, and you know you’ll feel guilty afterward, and that you really shouldn’t. This is the breaking point of an addiction. It could be two weeks after breaking the habit, two months, six months, a year. The time in between gets longer the more you choose not to look. Each time you say no, is a win. Each time you say yes, doesn’t mean you lost, it just mean you have a set back and a bigger come back to make.

It’s hard. It’s disappointing. It’s rewarding. It’s jumping for joy and texting your best friend that you didn’t look. It’s breaking down in tears at three in the morning because you failed and you hate yourself.

It’s a journey, and it’s worth taking. I don’t know what you deal with, but keep going. I believe in you. I’m so proud of you for taking steps toward being better. Read Hebrews 12. Read Romans 7 and 8. Talk to me. Talk to God. Don’t quit.

Fighting! Good luck! 加油! 我爱你!再见!I love you! Good bye!

 

*** Shout out to my Aunt for putting down cigarettes. You’re a freaking goddess and I love you.

 

Is it too late to say I procrastinate?

Everyday this week I have thought about writing a post, and then I just didn’t. So here I am apologizing. I am incredibly sorry. *Does a full ninety degree Korean bow.*

I would love to make the excuse that I’ve been busy, but if I say that, then I have to give you proof I’ve been busy when really I was only busy on Tuesday, and even then I could have put up a post.

Tuesday: I went to the beach with some friends and Little Sister. After that, Mother and I took a two and a half hour car ride to a Barnes N Noble to get a book signed.

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While I was only there for about fifteen minutes, I am delighted that I got this signed. I got to meet the amazing author herself. She was a delight, and I’m thankful Mother was willing to drive me.

Yeah, so Tuesday I was awake from five in the morning until probably about midnight. Everyday, after that, what was I doing? I honestly don’t remember.

I’ve been shopping a lot. So much so, I’ve run out of hangers and space in my closet to put clothes. On Thursday, I talked to Tulsa Best Friend for a couple of hours. I’ve been thinking about heading back to college and all the supplies I’m going to need for that.

I honestly, think that’s all I can say right now. I’m still slowly reading books.

Current Reads:

  • I’m about half way through The Whispers of the Fallen.
  • I’m some where on chapter two of Emperor of the Eight Islands.

This week I will definitely finish reading three books, my last freelance project,  and my second Chapbook. These are my goals for this week. I’ll be sure to get them done, and I’ll keep you updated on them.

Alright, that’s all. Now I’m gonna go write that review I promised you.

Fighting! Good luck! 加油!Goodbye! 再见!

Writing is a disease. I can’t decide if I want the cure or not.

Writing is the most painful thing right now. I love my degree. I love all the classes I take. I am always proud of my work when I complete it. I am thankful for God blessing me with this talent. However, any time I think about actually sitting down and writing, I immediately want to go and throw up. It’s a chore, not a fun hobby. Sometimes reading feels that way. All I want to do is sleep or watch T.V.

“Honey, you’re depressed.”

Maybe so, but if I watch T.V. for too long I get restless, and the only thing that cures that is either going to the gym or writing or both. I love studying character development and plot lines. I love seeing how other people write. One of the reasons I love reading is picking a part a book and learning how the author did it and how they wrote it. I learn a lot about the author by doing this. I learn a lot about how I can further develop my writing. But again, every time I sit down to write, I feel sick and just want to watch T.V.

Is there no cure? Is this something I just have to write through?

My initial reaction is to say, “I’ll just wait until God gives me the story, the time, and the passion to write.” Ha. I’ve done that before, and while being in God’s will is ideal, God wants me to work now. He wants me to do what I can in the natural while He does what He does in the supernatural. He wants to bless what I write, not write for me. Like the parent He is, He isn’t going to do my work for me. I need to do it myself and reap the rewards myself.

Me: “I dunno. If writing was what God really wanted you to do, then it wouldn’t feel like work and you would enjoy it.”

Me to myself: “This is true. It does feel like work and I don’t enjoy it that much lately.”

Me: “Quit. Go watch another K-Drama.”

Me to myself: “While that’s ideal, talking to people is work too, and God tells us to love people. I think I’ll stick to what I know and am good at: writing.”

That’s just the thing. It feels like work. It’s painful. It takes time. It’s often not respected aa a real job. However, I am good at it. I can write a five page paper about C. S. Lewis with my eyes closed at this point. (I took a C. S. Lewis and Inklings class last semester.) I once wrote and 8-10 page paper and found all 16 sources in five hours the night before it was due. I got a B on the paper. If that isn’t blessed talent, I don’t know what is.

I guess, though, my writing will stop being painful when I stop using it for my gain. When I start writing for God’s glory, for the advancement of His name, for the growth of His kingdom, then my writing will be covered in blessing and favor.

With that, I need to stop being afraid to write. There is no bigger hindrance to doing anything than fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of commitment.

Not doing ‘it’ because you’re afraid of failing, is automatic failure.

~ Pastor Jeff Jones (not quoted exactly, but it was something like that.)

How many times do I need to tell myself that as long as I trust God, He will prove Himself faithful?

Probably many more times in the future.

Fighting! 加油!我爱你! 再见!Good luck!

 

*** Oddly, writing these blog posts isn’t painful. (Just writing the title of these blog posts is painful. I literally just wrote like ten different titles and deleted all of them just to go with this.) *eye roll*

Finally. I’m doing stuff.

Be proud of me. I’m making progress. I got a new book called the princess saves herself in this one by Amanda Lovelace. (There are no capitals in the title or in the book.) It is a book of poetry, and I’m in love with it. I know I’m reading like a million other books too, but I’ll finish this one quickly.

I did start studying Chinese and Spanish. Now that I have my new phone I downloaded a bunch of language apps. Most of them will help me with listening and reading. With them I can get a lot of memorizing done. They won’t necessarily help me with speaking. Therefore, I’m still looking for some tricks to help me with that.

Today was the beginning of me getting up at five in the morning and going to the gym with Uncle. I ran on the treadmill for twenty-two minutes, than did a whole body workout. I went to the gym again with Little Sister around eight-thirty/nine o’clock. We did the bike for twenty minutes, then I coached her on leg day, and did a few other exercises myself. Tomorrow is day 2. The hardest part is going to be staying awake all day or only taking a nap for an hour. Today, I accidentally slept until two in the afternoon.

As for T.V. I dedicated four days to “Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo.” It ended. I almost cried. Now I’ve been inspired. Next time you see me I’m going to be a professional weightlifter. Hehe. Not really, but I will work harder at the gym. Now my sister and I are watching “Bride of the Water God.” The show stars Nam Joo Hyuk. He’s one of my favorite actors and is in everything: Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo, Scarlet Heart, Cheese in the Trap. I love him. A new episode of the show comes out every Monday and Tuesday on DramaFever.

Alright. I love you! Now I have actual journaling to do before I go to bed. That and a devotion. Sleep is, unfortunately, real and I need it before I kick butt at the gym tomorrow. 么么哒!加油!再见!