Writing is the most painful thing right now. I love my degree. I love all the classes I take. I am always proud of my work when I complete it. I am thankful for God blessing me with this talent. However, any time I think about actually sitting down and writing, I immediately want to go and throw up. It’s a chore, not a fun hobby. Sometimes reading feels that way. All I want to do is sleep or watch T.V.
“Honey, you’re depressed.”
Maybe so, but if I watch T.V. for too long I get restless, and the only thing that cures that is either going to the gym or writing or both. I love studying character development and plot lines. I love seeing how other people write. One of the reasons I love reading is picking a part a book and learning how the author did it and how they wrote it. I learn a lot about the author by doing this. I learn a lot about how I can further develop my writing. But again, every time I sit down to write, I feel sick and just want to watch T.V.
Is there no cure? Is this something I just have to write through?
My initial reaction is to say, “I’ll just wait until God gives me the story, the time, and the passion to write.” Ha. I’ve done that before, and while being in God’s will is ideal, God wants me to work now. He wants me to do what I can in the natural while He does what He does in the supernatural. He wants to bless what I write, not write for me. Like the parent He is, He isn’t going to do my work for me. I need to do it myself and reap the rewards myself.
Me: “I dunno. If writing was what God really wanted you to do, then it wouldn’t feel like work and you would enjoy it.”
Me to myself: “This is true. It does feel like work and I don’t enjoy it that much lately.”
Me: “Quit. Go watch another K-Drama.”
Me to myself: “While that’s ideal, talking to people is work too, and God tells us to love people. I think I’ll stick to what I know and am good at: writing.”
That’s just the thing. It feels like work. It’s painful. It takes time. It’s often not respected aa a real job. However, I am good at it. I can write a five page paper about C. S. Lewis with my eyes closed at this point. (I took a C. S. Lewis and Inklings class last semester.) I once wrote and 8-10 page paper and found all 16 sources in five hours the night before it was due. I got a B on the paper. If that isn’t blessed talent, I don’t know what is.
I guess, though, my writing will stop being painful when I stop using it for my gain. When I start writing for God’s glory, for the advancement of His name, for the growth of His kingdom, then my writing will be covered in blessing and favor.
With that, I need to stop being afraid to write. There is no bigger hindrance to doing anything than fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of commitment.
Not doing ‘it’ because you’re afraid of failing, is automatic failure.
~ Pastor Jeff Jones (not quoted exactly, but it was something like that.)
How many times do I need to tell myself that as long as I trust God, He will prove Himself faithful?
Probably many more times in the future.
Fighting! 加油！我爱你! 再见！Good luck!
*** Oddly, writing these blog posts isn’t painful. (Just writing the title of these blog posts is painful. I literally just wrote like ten different titles and deleted all of them just to go with this.) *eye roll*