Just like the title, this weekend was a roller coaster. Nothing was altogether easy, but in away, I believe everything that happened was necessary. It all go me thinking about a lot of things I needed to encounter, and it provoked a much needed conversation between me and Little Sister.
For starters, yesterday I went to the Michigan International Speedway NASCAR Race. I went with Aunt, Uncle, and Mother. We left at five in the morning and arrived at MIS around 7:15a.m. The day started well. We set up the tailgate and headed to Gypsy Row. The only thing missing was Father and Little Sister. (He was at work and she was at church.) We bought several things, providing me with four shirts and a plastic back pack. (The back pack was cool and I bought it, while everything else Mom and Aunt Joan got me. Also what from what a bird said, it sounds like everyone was cammanded to get me what I wanted. So being spoiled a bit and getting some quality time with family was wonderful.) Due to rain, we left Gypsy Row and headed back to the truck. We sat around for a while, then headed in to walk around a bit more (not at Gypsy Row, but I don’t know what it was called.) We tried some free McDonald’s mango smoothie, then played a game which entailed tossing giant, foam Chicken Nuggets into an equally giant, cardboard Chicken Nugget box. (Up close, the nuggets looked like delicious cakes, but they felt really weird!) The only person who won was Mother. She got a McDonald’s t-shirt. We did a few other things but nothing too exciting. There was on guys on stilts who was funny. I should have gotten a picture with him, but talking to strangers scares me. (Having to socialize? Ewe.) We all went to the tailgate and cooked hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill, relaxed a bit, and then headed up into the stands to watch the race. Nothing too exciting happened. There were some spin outs and a couple blown tires, but nothing to oggle over. After the race we went and ate dinner, packed up the tailgate and went home. I was probably up until one in the morning.
Then my next day started at 7:30a.m.
I struggled to get up, but whatever. Got dressed. Fixed my hair in the bathroom. Michigan Best Friend arrived. Cool. I was awkward. Ugh. When am I not. The morning went by casually and slowly. Big Brother arrived to clean out a stinky, moldy, cooler. We talked and he helped me put some things into perspective. (Which will be discussed further down.) He left. Michigan Best Friend and I started watching Got7, BTS, and Seventeen video memes. (Dude, the addiction, the struggle is so real.) We laughed. Yay! Then mother arrived and we got busy getting ready to go set up the firework stand. (Yes, this is my third year working at Yellow Box Fireworks. Do I love it? Eh. I enjoy it to some extent, but I would much rather be at home writing or studying Mandarin. (Not that I do that now in my free time.) But I am with family, so that’s a bonus, and it’s a rather easy way to bring in a little extra spending money.) While Mother and I were getting things together before we left, she said some things I disagreed with (not to be discussed later, because it really doesn’t matter. If I say anything it makes her feelings invalid, and in no way do I ever wish to do that to someone.) and that, I admit, I allowed to begin the bad mood I would continue to sit in for the rest of the day. (No, that’s wrong. What started everything, was the fact that I woke up with a mysterious rash on my arm and neck. Before we left, Mother had me take a Benadryl.)
We’re at the firework stand. Things are going well. I have a question about some of the fireworks I was taping wicks down on. I turn to Big Brother who is talking to Mother and call his name. Nothing. I call his name again. Nothing. I wait for there to be a pause in the conversation. I call his name, just as I say it he begins talking again. “Story of my entire life,” I say. Best Friend comments, saying, “Well, he is talking to your mom.” This is true, so maybe I was interrupting; however, people do it to me all the time. I take a deep breath, I try not to get defensive, (even though I already did.) and wait. He stops talking to mother and walks right past me. He never even heard me say his name. Whatever. Now I’m mad, but I’ll move on. I won’t finish this row, I’ll move to the next shelf. The cakes (a type of firework) on this shelf were packed so much tighter then everything else that it made me even more mad. I set the tape down, removed everything, and looked for the tape. It had put it right there and now it’s gone! Frustrated, thinking I won’t do anything since I obviously can’t, I put everything back, and ta-da! there’s the tape. It was behind all the product I just put back. Now I’m pissed. I’m tired, I have a rash, I’m on Benadryl, the light is too bright, I have a headache, the world is spinning around me, and I’m ready to either collapse or go sit down. I remove myself from the yellow box (Yellow Box Fireworks is really just a giant, yellow container.) and go sit in the car. My thought process was the worst thing ever.
Me to myself: Wow. You were ignored. You never have anything important to say. No one really cares. Ugh. Look at Best Friend working so hard. Why are you so lazy? You never do anything you’re supposed to. You’re eating a freagging bag of Cheetos and Gluten Free Oreos. You need help. You should pray. Gosh, don’t blame it on demons, Elizabeth. Sometimes bad things happen, and sometimes it’s just sin. Pull yourself together. Look, if your family weren’t so negative this wouldn’t be an issue. Like you’re one to talk! Look at all this negativity you’re spewing out right now! Like this will actually help anything.
I’ll stop it right there. You get the gist. I had about ten minutes of just that. My brain was searching for anything and everything to be negative about. It was horrible. I was in a pissy mood from then on. Eventually it faded after about two hours. *I am having such a hard time keeping my eyes open right now. Holy Cow.* TWO HOURS OF THAT STINKY CRAP FILLING MY BRAIN. Gross. G. R. O. S. S. From then on, it was a battle of me trying to stay happy and light.
Did I succeed? Only for so long.
I have never seen such a striking contrast between trusting in God and letting him handle things, and trusting in my own ability to handle things. Let me tell you something: I fail every single time.
Okay, let’s continue on here.
Got home (on a flat tire). Yay. Found Little Sister, and sat and talked with her for a good while about the family and many many things. I think, the most important being how our words change our world. I believe that very literally. For years I said I was going to travel the world, and now next year I am going to China. I also think that how we say what we say changes our world too.
If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.
~ Every mom on the planet ever
This hit me so hard today. This not only goes toward what I say about other people but what I say about myself. If it isn’t nice, encouraging, uplifting, or complementing, I shouldn’t be saying it. After all “life and death are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21). I want to be giving life to the world around me. Certainly I want to be giving life to myself.
A lot of times I talk about or think about how negative other people are, when I’m right there in the same boat with them. The short stream of consciousness that I gave you is just a snippet of what I say to myself daily. Unfortunately, I’m saying things like that about other people too. What a hypocrite.
This also then goes back to the conversation I had with Big Brother. He had told me how busy he was. I said, “Man, I wish I was that busy. All I do is sit around watching T.V. and writing. Ya know, gotta get those blog posts up. But, ya know, writing for a blog or anything isn’t a job, so I don’t get a lot of the respect that you do.”
Big Brother said, “I wish I had your life. I never have time for anything anymore. I work at the coffee shop, I’m the bookkeeper for the cleaning service, and now with the firework stand starting off, and then at night I’m recording with Best Friend.”
It was simple, but it helped me see that I wasn’t completely lazy and that my life is a life too. I guess “the grass is always greener on the other side” is right.
I need to learn to trust God, move forward, and enjoy the moments I’m in. Like right now. I’m here writing this blog post, and my Michigan Best Friend is on the couch two seats down from me scrolling through Facebook and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is such a small moment, but I’m at peace and this is something to cherish.
Anyway, it’s a lot to think about, and a lot for me to journal…. tomorrow. I’m going to bed. Goodnight.
Fighting! 加油！Good luck!