Success or Fail?

This week was actually really good. I didn’t meet the goals I set…, which is horrible since I go back to college next Sunday. But I did get some writing done. I did do a little bit of reading, but not nearly as much as I should have done. After I’m done writing this, I am going to do some more editing and study some Chinese.

I found this really cool app/website called Coursera. It has a bunch of online courses available to take whenever. There are a ton of categories to choose from, and you can pay for the class or audit it. There is also some financial aid for those who can’t pay for the class.  While auditing is a great option for those who can’t pay, it does mean that there is some course work that can’t be accessed, but I still think it’s really cool. For me, someone who is super busy during the school year (and holds up a facade of business during the summer), the best part is the fact that it’s online. I can take the classes at my own pace, and learn on my time. Since I was homeschooled, I love this type of class/learning setting. It’s very comfortable to me.

It’s crazy that I’m down to my last week of summer before I go back to school, but I think I’m ready. I still feel there are some things that God is teaching me, but I know when the time comes, God will have completed the work He started in me at the beginning of the summer. One of those things, that will probably go with me into the semester, is I want to learn what it means to love God with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my strength.

I want to be able to love God to the fullest. More and more I am learning that it means not focusing on me but on God. It’s hard, but just in the few days that I’ve been quoting Deuteronomy and praying about it, I’ve learned a lot. It’s hard to pray that, then go do something and remind yourself that it’s not for you. Everything should be done all for the glory of God.

I’m loving it though. It’s amazing just how much more joy and love pours out of us for other people as we focus on God. The more of us we give up, the more of us He fills up. I would much rather be filled with God than with myself. I’m flawed and mess things up so many times, but He is perfect. In my weakness He is made strong, and that’s all I want.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  – 2 Corinthians 12:9

If I had to sum up my summer with God (even though I still have a week left) I would use the word trust. All summer God has taught me how much I need to trust in and rely on Him. I can’t do anything without Him, and He is still teaching me that. We’ll see what I have to say about all of this next Saturday. Haha.

Well, like I said, I plan on doing some editing and studying tonight.

再见!加油!Fighting! Good luck! Good bye!

 

**All in all, I think this week was a success.

 

Habits Vs. Addictions

Habits are not Addictions. Like wise, Addictions are not habits. They can not be broken or overcome in the same way. I want this to be made very clear.

“Oh, I’m so addicted to coffee!” No, you are not addicted to coffee. You just have a habit of drinking it every morning. Besides, you wouldn’t be addicted to the coffee as much as you would be addicted to the caffeine. If you go a few days without drinking coffee and start experiencing withdrawals, it’s because of the lack of caffeine that your body got used to having.

To break a habit, just don’t do whatever the habit is for roughly 21 days. Habits are mindlessly done. A habit is making a cup of coffee at six in the morning while you’re still half asleep. It’s an action you’ve done and completed so often that you don’t even have to pay too much attention to what you’re doing.  Unless you accidentally pour orange juice instead of creamer into your coffee, then you better wait a few more minutes before you make your drink.

Breaking an addiction takes focus, will power, determination, and a whole lot of forgiveness and grace from God. Although, it should also be made clear that not every addiction is a sin. You could be addicted to caffeine. It doesn’t mean you have fallen from grace and lost any chance you had at forgiveness (Honestly, you could never fall from grace. You can always be forgiven.). It just means that too much of a good thing became a bad thing.

My addiction example will be pornography, because that’s what I know.

You can break the habit of looking at pornography everyday. Yay! Good job! That’s a win. However, two weeks later of breaking the habit, the desire to look hits you in the chest like a two ton mac truck, and in your head you’re telling yourself it’s a choice, and you know you’ll feel guilty afterward, and that you really shouldn’t. This is the breaking point of an addiction. It could be two weeks after breaking the habit, two months, six months, a year. The time in between gets longer the more you choose not to look. Each time you say no, is a win. Each time you say yes, doesn’t mean you lost, it just mean you have a set back and a bigger come back to make.

It’s hard. It’s disappointing. It’s rewarding. It’s jumping for joy and texting your best friend that you didn’t look. It’s breaking down in tears at three in the morning because you failed and you hate yourself.

It’s a journey, and it’s worth taking. I don’t know what you deal with, but keep going. I believe in you. I’m so proud of you for taking steps toward being better. Read Hebrews 12. Read Romans 7 and 8. Talk to me. Talk to God. Don’t quit.

Fighting! Good luck! 加油! 我爱你!再见!I love you! Good bye!

 

*** Shout out to my Aunt for putting down cigarettes. You’re a freaking goddess and I love you.

 

My Day ft. Cousin, Little Sister, and Friends

There I was, behind the wheel of a car, slowing down at a green light because I didn’t know where Mezzo’s was. There was a honk. I panicked. I turned right and parked behind Harding’s. Where was the dang coffee shop? I looked at my GPS and face palmed. Mezzo’s was on the left of the road; I was looking to the right. Ugh. How stupid can I get? I turn around, make it to Mezzo’s five minutes before eight, and my friend was already sitting there, scrolling on her phone, drinking an iced coffee. How could I be early and still be late?

I bought my self an iced mint chocolate drink and a blueberry scone. Let me tell you just how wrong this purchase is. I have low blood sugar–and need protein instead of sugar–and I have a gluten intolerance. An iced mint chocolate drink and a blueberry scone are both sugar and gluten. Fabulous. I’m still waiting for the stomach cramps to kick in. *eye roll*

Still, the drink was amazing. The scone could have been better. As for the conversation and the fellowship with an old friend… it was just what I needed to kick off my day. We sat and talked for three hours. It was refreshing to my soul.

What else? Mmm. I’ve been talking to my best friend all day today. I’m hoping I can see her face to face later. (Through FaceTime of course. She’s in Tulsa. I am not in Tulsa. Arg.) I also wrote a poem. I’m proud of it. (Yes, one poem.) Because I’m proud of it, I’ll probably write more tonight.

“Come on Elizabeth. This is surface level. Get deeper.”

Alright. To be honest, I’m failing at a lot of things God has asked me to do. Specifics? Being healthier. In every way possible. Maybe I’m not doing to do bad in the eating area (I’m fasting meat this week; next week I’m going to fast sugar.), but for real, look at me. I ate a blueberry scone. I’m a horrible person. (Nah, I’m just really hard on myself.) However, I haven’t been to the gym all week (mainly because I hate doing laundry, and I ran out of gym clothes). I can do better.

You want more evidence of my failing? My minor is in Mandarin Chinese. I’ve been home for six weeks (seven?) and I’ve learned/memorized three new words in Chinese. Please, take your time. I’ll wait for the horror of that to sink in. See, if you think you’re the king of procrastination (Sorry queen. However you identify) You obviously haven’t met me yet.  *Shakes your hand too vigorously with a creepy wide smile on my face.* “NICE TO MEET YOU!” (Let’s be real. I probably yell it because I’m awkward and don’t know how to have an inside voice.)

Well, there’s two things. I don’t feel like explaining further of how much I am failing right now.

SOOOOOOOOooooooo. What am I going to do? Probably watch more Supernatural.

As my good ‘ole six-year-old cousin would say: Nah, I’m just casting. (Har har.)

*You, my presumed audience, fold your arms and gives me a stare.* Fine, you’re right. I’ll go write. I’ll get things done. I’ll pull myself together. (Imagine that moment in Fruits Basket when Tohru is at work, and she raises her fists up and exclaims some long encouraging line about how she can take care of herself.)

Little Sister in the distance in a high-pitched voice: Fighting!